Is It My Fault?

Is it my fault, if I make someone cry,
Without me realising it, without me knowing,
Is it my fault if I make someone cry,
But I don't intend to, and I don't know why.

I try to be truthful, I wouldn't lie,
But even with the truth, a person will cry,
Sometimes I wonder, is it my fault,
Is it my doing, my own accord?

I never really understand, the meaning of tears,
My heart hadn't been worn out for years,
But I do understand when a heart is true,
That cries out loud, that cries for you...

But it's not my fault, I don't feel the same,
But that's the way it goes, this game,
One person smiles, another one cries,
And I wonder is it myself to blame.

If I am guilty, then what should I do?
Should I apologize, and say sorry too?
But if I'm guilty, then what did I do?
Because to break a heart, I never intended to.

I know I don't have a lot to say,
But I mean every word I say anyway,
I don't think it is my fault but hey,
It's safe to say I am sorry in every way...

~Anonymous~

Odd one out...

Have you ever grown up being the odd one in the group?

Being the different one all the time.

Being someone with different tastes than others...

Being an old-fashioned person in a modern world...

Being someone who is against a trend when all are following it...

Being unorthodox in an orthodox situation...

Saying things differently than the way people say it..

Following religion in a country of secularism..

Laughing out loud when all people cry..

**********

Hmmm...oddballs are interesting after all.... =D

A Heart That Is Not Yours..

What to do,When you are true,
To love a soul,That doesn't love you.

You cry out loud,You open your heart,
But silence greets,right from the start.

You try to tell, you try to say,
The heart can't hear, it goes away.

You cry at night, you cry in the day,
You cry because you know you can't stay.

It seems so great, a chance to love,
But love is blind, and you it didn't find.

You think you are weak, you think you are wrong
But deep down inside, you know you are strong.

Now you are sad and lonely but hey,
Who knows, love might come around someday,
And if it comes, you don't let it go,
Because you know, it's there to stay...

*****************
This is dedicated to a friend of mine. Don't be sad mate. It takes a few wrong steps to make a leap... =)

When I pick up the guitar...

....at times I wonder, is that all I will ever be? An entertainer that brings a smile? A person to bring music to people's lives?

Adakah aku sekadar penghibur?

******************


When I was 11, I never thought that an instrument with 6 strings could make so much noise, some beautiful and some really atrocious. Let alone, I had never thought that I could learn to play such a device.

And now, when I pick up the guitar and play, and sing, and when people sing along, I am extremely happy that I can play and bring some kind of enjoyment to people's lives. I can entertain, and seeing that smile on a friend's face is one of the satisfactory reasons to learn the 6 string piece of wood.

I like to hear people sing, because it's a way to let go. Just give a middle finger to life and sing your heart out. At that opportune 5 minutes playing guitar and singing, you forget your troubles and just melalak.

You forget about your Water Eng quiz that you failed, or the pharmacokinetics test coming up this Wednesday.

You remember your family, your friends, your dreams and the beautiful reality.

..and all that happens when I pick up the guitar.

**********************

Adakah aku sekadar penghibur?

104...

Sweat breaks down my forehead. The sun was hot on my head. Both my hands are ready to lead the way. My nerves were wrecking, waiting for the light to turn green.

I look to the side. The other driver... He wore black spectacles. His foot was on the pedal. He was ready...

Pedals? Haha. I didnt need pedals. Pedals are for people who can't do the work I do.

Ting! The Light turned from red to green. The driver and I were the first in line. The race was GO!!

He drove first. Low gear..He was slow, but accelerating...I was faster..YES! I passed by him. Sweet victory looks near. I am leaving the bus behind..

But then...The driver started picking up. He must not catch up to me. I went faster..FASTER. But the driver was accelerating. He was an inch behind me.

We were level. He was speeding up.

NO!! The driver passed by. I tried to cycle harder but my feet felt numb, useless. As the bus passed me by, I saw my pathetic reflection on the bus glass : A man on a mountain bike.

The bus went on. It slowed down a bit as if to mock me. Then it sped off again...

I'll remember. I'll remember you! Bus 104...

(Just another day after uni.Road bike road bike...)

Some people...

Some people are just SOOO lucky..

There are always going to be 'other people' who are going to watch their backs...

These 'other people' are SOOOO caring pulak tu..

They are always going to watch the backs of other people...

But not all people are so lucky, no no no..

Like, say, the unlucky people post things on the internet, about the 'lucky people'. Some criticism perhaps? Then you know what happens to them?

Diorang kena fine. KENA FINE?? rm 10000 I think, just because of some criticism about the 'lucky' people...

And they call that insulting..INSULTING??

Hey, everyday ada orang kena insult lah. Kalau setakat post kat internet pon kena fine RM10000. That's not straight to the face.

Kalau gitu orang kat Palestine kena humiliate hari2. Tu kena fine berapa tu? RM20000 cukup??

kalau the 'unlucky' people kena insult, tak kena fine pulak. Bukan setakat tu, kalau lawan kata pon lagi kena insult.

But lucky people, perghh...Midas touch...Kena insult sikit je, abih kena fine la, kena jail la, hapa la.

Betrayal la, don't be rude la.

Imagine if everytime people insult, they are fined. Pergh, kaya negara tu. Kalau sorang dah RM10000. kalau 26 juta?? Haha. Sedap je ketua audit nak kira.

So in the end, the lucky people get luckier, coz there are people (who they don't know) who are always going to Watch Their Backs.

And the unlucky people? Well, diorang jadi source duit la.

(sigh)..I wish there are people who would watch my back...How lucky.... =D

Cure...

I need a cure...I have a disease..

I need a cure for sleep. I am always tired and always falling asleep at important places. Luckily I am not a Super-Important man (I am quite important ok =p), like the pres of MASCA or UMNO or LSS or whatever. Coz I will surely tend to fall asleep at those long-drawn meetings, even if they are fun filled and not boring.

I hate it when I sleep in lectures..trust me I try my best to stay awake but sometimes dreamland is just too appealing to let go.

I also need a cure for procrastination. (And I think I am not the only one =p)

I don't get it. Time and time again we always let free time fly by doing nothing important. And then we realise that it is not the best to do. Yet we do it time and time again....

Pharmacist!! cure please...(mata SinChan ) =D

Luckily I con't need a cure for the sense of timing. Not yet though' =p

I also need an emotional cure, I think...

Coz, well, I kind of feel like Hitler sometimes. Not that I don't have any guilt but it usually kicks in later when all is said and done. Luckily it doesn't happen when I start to regret things. I hope it never will...

Haha...looks like I have to see a pharmacist more often....Who can help?? =p

It's okay....as long as....

...imagine you are a man. You are Chinese, in your late thirties or early forties. You come from China and you had lived there since you were born. You speak good Mandarin, you eat Chinese food, you are as Chinese as a Chinese can get.

Now you are in a lecture hall. There are a hundred people, students, clinging to your every word, because it is the first lecture you are giving. Words form inside your head. You open your mouth...

...and you hear yourself speaking English. English? Why does the "li" sound like "ri"? Why does the "three" sound like "srreeee"?

..and why are people laughing? I'm talking English...why are people walking out and sniggering? Why is the student in front sleeping?

...why can't I speak english like everybody else?

**************
Now imagine you have to go through this everyday. Every day of your life. Because you have to feed your family. Because you have a job. Because this is your rice bowl, and without it you have nothing on your plate.

Not so funny now is it? So why were we laughing in the first place?

....because, it's okay to laugh....because it's not us that's being laughed at....right?

**************

Poof...I was back in my seat in the Bus, at Melbourne Street. Then my thoughts wandered off to another incident, this time I was at the age of 11, I think. I was in Alor Setar...

**************
It was night, and I was watching TV with my cousins, just like we always do. Then in walked a family, and with them a child, perhaps about my age, or younger. She was plump, and I did not recognize her.

She was in fact, my second cousin. If only I had known at the time, I would have been nice to her. She was not normal. She had a kind of syndrome.

...she vomited in the middle of the living room. My cousins all laughed, as she stared helpless and clueless upon what was going on.

I went downstairs to find my mom. I couldn't bear it. It was the first time I cried in many years, and ironically after I joined in the laughter.

It was not funny... It never was..

****************
I was at stop 11. Almost reaching my destination. Then my thoughts wandered off to to other places. This time in Melaka...

***************

There was a guy in my class. He had a strange walk. A strange way of talking. He was weird. He was always alone. Didn't have many friends..

...and he was weird. So a lot of people made fun of him. Laughed at him.

..and it was funny. Why? Because we were not the ones laughed at.

..but it stopped being funny...

The last thing I can remember was he was walking away from the classroom, crying. He was a big guy, I thought, and he couldn't have cried.

But my eyes don't lie. He did.

Earlier, we were all in a room. All 35 of us. He was at the centre. And there were 2 other people at the centre. The two humiliated him. Ridiculed him, when they thought they were 'advising' him.

Then came a slap... Yes. They slapped him. In front of his friends. ...and he walked off crying. It was the first time I saw him cry. He was my friend. It had been long since I saw any of my friends cry. But I understood why he did.
Humiliated. Funny right? Well, depends on which side of the door you are on.

**********************
I was nearing my stop. I had to make my conclusion...

*******************

Everyday, there are people being laughed at. People being ridiculed. But think, just for one second. If you were that lecturer in the hall, or if you were slapped in front of your friends, would you have laughed?

Would you have thought it was funny?

Would you had wished you were someone else? Who was a bit more normal?

So, as long as it's not us..It's okay to laugh?

*******************

Give and Take....

I think God created this life with the concept of give and take...All the time, because God is the fairest of all.

A simple concept. If we pray, we get pahala. We go to Heaven. If we don't pray, we are sinned, we go to Hell. Simple right?

And I think it kind of holds true for everything in life. Everything we do has a 'Give and Take'

Today a friend was telling me about river channelization. You might know him, he has curly hair.

He told me that engineers, they had modified rivers in order to aid shipping, irrigation, and all for the benefit of mankind. However, the payoff in doing that, is the erosion of rivers, which made rivers dirty and caused land around it to be salty.

But kalau tak modify river, cannot also. Life becomes hard if we don' t do so. But kalau modify river, jadi kotor la, hapa la.

So in doing something, we benefit in some way, and we lose in some way. Give and take...

and I think everything in life macam tu...

Like studies..If we study hard, we might miss out on some stuff in life. A friend of mine used to study hard in school. Too hard, until he got no time for clubs, societies. His life, is all study. So he's smart, clever, but he forgot to have fun..

Macam aku la. Masa kat sekolah kuat main. So pandai pon tak. Tapi aku gembira. so ada la payoff. Nasib baik dapat blaja overseas...(syukurrr)

And sometimes in doing the things I do, I kind of benefit from a lot of it.

Like in KL, I didn't have a car. I didn't have money to buy one. So I took the public transport. All the time. And when I talked to my friends about it, I thought they would jeer and say stuff, but they didn't. Coz in a way, they never really experienced public transport like I did. So yeah. I didn't have a car. But I benefitted from it as well.

And studies. My curly haired friend I was talking about. He didn't have any Malay coursemates. So I told him that he was unlucky because it would be hard for him to discuss things. He laughed and told me : "Kau tu yang rugi, mingle dengan group sama je. At least aku belajar mingle dengan orang lain". He was right. He did benefit from the hardness.

Semua ada Give and take, win and lose, up and down....etc.

And that's the way it is in this game of life. We can't think of everything to be alright and ideal. It will always have Give and Take. If you're feeling hardship now, fear not. God is fair, and you will have an easy life later, provided you work for it.

Good things come...

Yeah, you guessed it right. Good things come to those who wait. It's really along the lines of 'Patience is a virtue', and 'Sabar itu separuh daripada iman'.

In recent weeks, I am had been tried and tested with situations that are always, always against me. And believe me, it's realy unnerving. There are some times when I just feel like cracking and going in the middle of Adelaide Racecourse and shouting out loud.

But i didn't. And i am glad that I am better than that.

Coz i'll be shouting, but to who? Who will hear me shout? Who wants to anyway?

Life's got problems and we deal with it. We solve it. There's no other way. (DOT)

But really, I can't be blamed for my sudden impulsive bursts of anger (God Forbid it to happen). Coz in the first place, I was landed in this situation by a (friend??) of mine. Goes to show just how far a bad deed can go. Goes to show how fast a friend can turn into foe.

Goes to show just how many faces a man can have, if, it is a 'man' i'm talking about.

Well, whatever it is, in the end, good things come to those who wait. (Wait and do something, that is.). God, please give me patience..

..and please give 'him' what he deserves. Aminn.

The idealist

I am a person who questions. Not always, but I do it. Whether in the open or in my head.

I used to always question...Why is this life so unfair, back when I was still Jahilliyah. (Well, life is unfair, but God is the fairest...Don't get me wrong..)

I mean, people in high places get all the preferential treatment in the world. Rich businesses get richer, but sometimes on dirty money, and not get charged for it.

The Menteri Kerja Raya takyah bayar tol. Sultan nak lalu highway, polis halau semua kereta macam anjing.

Senang cerita lah, I am the idealist I am talking about. I used to always think that this should not happen, or that should not happen. Everyone should be treated the same. Bla3.

Thing is, when I think about it, after much heated discussion with many people, this idealist habit is really bad.

Why? Coz I think this should happen and not that. Something should happen and not something else. I start to expect things.

Thing is, I thought about it again, this unfairness will always occur, because life is not ideal. It is designed to be so. It's not perfect, and so is the people in it.

Kalau semua perfect, hey, heaven la tuu...bukan dunia.

And a phrase I got from someone, I would like to share it...Goes along the lines of "dunia ni tak ideal. Dia memang macam tu. Tapi fikir. Kalau kita yang dapat benefit, kita tak bising pulak. Kalau kita yang dapat preferential treatment, kita kecoh ke?? "

So it will always happen, this unfairness, far from the ideal world that we'd love to have.

Like for example, aku boss, and anak sedara aku mintak kerja, lepas kena rejek banyak kerja. Tak kesian ke?? Keluarga sendiri tuh.

And if i am cooking for friends, then ada cousin come over, for sure dia akan dapat spesel sikit. Kazen sendiri kann....

And say if I am a bank. I want to give out a loan. Tapi check2 payslip takleh nk bayar balik. Nak bandingkan dengan company yang memang konfem boleh bayar balik. For sure la aku lagi selesa nak bagi loan kat company instead of yang takleh bayar tuh.

And social groups? Honestly I don't really like social groups. It's like putting a barrier between individuals. But hey, kalau takde group, semorang sama je la. Kan ke bosan. Kang ada lak komplen, dunia takde variety.

And people who get preferential treatment? Like say reporters who report the true news about corruption or conspiracy. Dulu aku pon tak puas hati. But imagine eh, katakan kita reporter yang report pasal benda2 ni. Pasal org2 berkuasa pulak tu. (menteri ke??). Diorang ni bukan boleh buat main. Petik jari je, ada benda jadi. Midas touch la katakan...

Like reporters in Russia, reporting about President Putin. Many died, due to the Midas touch of powerful people.

So the point is, heaven is still a faraway place. Now is life. Unfair as it is, we have to live it (Assuming suicide is outta the question).

Life is not ideal, we have to face it, we have to live with it, and slowly, if we try, we can change it.

Live life in a way that you will win. It's a game, it's cruel, but you can't win if you give up.